William Shepherd

Hullo! I’d like to begin with an apology to the Parish of St Albion. I’m really sorry that other people have behaved so badly. Honestly, what must they think of us, when they see their popular, charismatic and successful vicar being attacked for no reason at all? Yes I’m sorry for this shameful behaviour and I don’t mind being the one to take the blame and apologise on their behalf.

In the ten long years I have spent serving this parish 9/11…Surely 24/7? Ed… never in my wildest imaginings could I have imagined that some members of my own flock…who owe everything to my stewardship of St Albion’s…would turn on me and try to force me out of my own vicarage!

These were the very people I had nurtured like a good shepherd caring for his sheep. And if one went astray…as they often did…I did not leave them to become the prey of hungry wolves. I sought them out and brought them back into the fold…some of them many times as Mr Blunkett, Mr Mandelson, Mr Byers and Mr Prescott would be the first to testify!

I am not going to name names and in any case the individual I am going to name is someone who plays such an insignificant part in parish life that you will not have heard of him. And neither had I until last week when out of the blue he wrote me a very rude and unhelpful letter to say that unless I resigned as vicar he would feel obliged to stand down from his duties. The name of this poisonous little nobody is T*m Wa***n.

Tom who? I hear you ask. Exactly! Which is why I was planning to sack him in any case even though I hadn’t heard of him! Now of course his name will be remembered for ever more whenever the subject of treachery is raised.

I gather also that there has been tittle-tattle in the Britannia Arms saying that the Treasurer Mr Brown was actually behind Mr Watson’s letter and that Gordon was hatching some sort of plot against me. But Gordon has given me his word that he had nothing to do with it and I fully accept his assurance even though I don’t believe a word of it.

Mr Brown’s story that Mr Watson drove 200 miles to drop in on Gordon’s holiday home in the Isle of Dull just to take a cuddly toy for little Angus is of course ridiculous. But I am happy to accept that this is indeed what happened even though it didn’t.

Likewise Gordon’s claim that he was smiling about his new baby when he left the vicarage having told me to pack my bags and give him the key is patently untrue although I am happy to accept that this is what happened even though it clearly didn’t. But enough of this. I know you are all heartily sick of this silly squabbling.

You want more than anything to draw a line under this and move on. I know you do. So let’s draw up a timetable…a real timetable of what the parish needs to achieve.

1. Peace in the Holy Land. Doesn’t even the mention of my mission to the Middle East make some of you feel ashamed for your small-mindedness? Hey, let’s open that window of opportunity and let the dove of peace fly in…or out as the case may be;

2. And what about our new Primark Beacon Technology Academy? And our new Burger King Hospital, motto: Fat For Purpose? And what about the criminal gangs roaming around the recreation ground frightening old ladies?

3. And what about all the other things that need to be done…turning the Millennium Tent into a Super Casino to bring much-needed gambling to the parish?

That’s what I know you are really concerned about…not a lot of silly gossip about personalities. As I said we’ve moved on from that and drawn a line under it. Particularly Gordon and his friends.

Shall I tell you a story from the Bible? There was once a just and holy man who went about doing good. Some said he was the Messiah though he was too modest to accept this description. And he went about performing miracles. But then one of his disciples betrayed his leader after they broke bread together in the upper room of a fashionable restaurant.

And then do you know what happened? He took his own life so disgusted was he by his own treachery. It’s not a nice story is it but it may serve as a warning to others who are considering betraying their spiritual leader. So let’s hear no more of the tawdry tittle-tattle and concentrate on the important job of making sure that Gordon Brown never becomes Vicar.

Yours, Tony.

The Jilin Deda Factory situated at Road 102 in Dehui City in China is one of the largest poultry-processing plants in the world where each year 100 million birds are slaughtered, plucked, dismembered and packaged. The processed chicken meat is exported to twenty other countries including Switzerland, Germany, South Africa, Russia and Japan.

It is sold in bulk either for further processing…the company has two ready-food processing factories…or for subsequent distribution to shops. The one million square metre operation employing more than 11 000 staff is located in Jilin Province…one of China’s poorest…hard up against the borders of Russia and North Korea.

The joint venture between the Chinese authorities and a Thai food-processing company pays the Deda workers £31 per month…the region’s minimum salary…while making annual profits of six million pounds after paying Western-style salaries and bonuses to its executives. The chickens are intensively farmed prior to arrival.

The business motto of the Jilin Deda Company is ‘satisfying clients, profiting the company, contributing to society.’ Its website goes on to state: ‘We sincerely wish to create a beautiful future for all of us.’ Chairman Mao must be turning in his grave. A life devoted to mind-numbing work for a few pence an hour…dressed in uniform pink overalls, blue aprons and matching masks and boots…was not the Great Leap Forward he had in mind for China.

Meanwhile in the UK pre-emptive strikes are now being made on the bank accounts of anyone foolish enough to be christened Ahmed. Mr Salama is a businessman authorised by the Financial Services Authority. His account was upgraded by his friendly neighbourhood bank HSBC two months ago. But a few weeks later the same bank account was frozen. The following day a letter arrived informing him that HSBC wished to end their eleven year relationship.

Ahmed Salama is a normal Londoner who plays snooker and football and cares for his wife and kids. He pays £20 each month to a British-based charity sponsoring children in Afghanistan. But that…and being Ahmed…is clearly enough to send HSBC on red alert.

To quote Mr Salama, ‘The whole situation has put my whole life in a spin emotionally and financially. My only conclusion is that with the majority of people being arrested over alleged terrorism offences having the name Ahmed they think I am one of them or I am laundering money.’ A spokesperson for HSBC remarked that cases of mistaken identity do sometimes occur. So that’s all right then.

On 23rd August 2006 The Times published this apology: ‘We published in the first edition of yesterday’s paper a photograph of a man with a beard identifying the man as Assad Ali Sarwar one of the suspects who had been charged in connection with the recent alleged terrorist plot to blow up passenger aircraft. This was a error. The man in the photograph is not Assad Ali Sarwar and has not been arrested or charged on suspicion of terrorism offences. We apologise to the man in the photograph for the distress and embarrassment caused. So that’s all right then.’

A Parisian friend tells me that the biggest player in the coming French presidential election is not Ségolène Royal or Nicholas Sarkozy but Tony Blair. Royal and Sarkozy…the self-declared modernising candidates on the left and right …are busy casting themselves in Blair’s image.

They both believe that Blair’s brand of centre-leftism has changed the rules in politics by detaching ends from means and values from policies thereby liberating the left from its old obsessions and showing the right that it ignores the public domain at its peril. Economic Efficiency and Social Justice remain the most powerful message in contemporary parliamentary politicking. So that’s all right then.