Today the world pledged to look on and do nothing as the Sudanese government resumed their genocide in the Darfur region. ‘Once again Western Nations have sent out a united message to the Sudanese Government that is proving almost impossible for them to ignore,’ said a United Nations spokesperson.

Two weeks ago Madonna held her first ever concert in Russia. The New Model Russia ushered in by Putin & his KGB cronies are risk-averse. They do not do surprises…and have an instinctive dislike for uncharted events. Madonna’s Concert Management was concerned by the threat of rain. This would ruin the stage at the open air stadium where Madonna was playing. A Russian News Source reported Madonna’s Tour Manager remarking that ‘rain would be an unpleasant occurrence. Madonna will dance a lot during the show and the stage must be dry.’

Russian weather experts were called in and instructed to eliminate this possible calamity by using aircraft to spray the sky over the Moscow Stadium with chemicals that would ‘dry out any clouds’. The treatment was developed originally to keep military rallies in Red Square dry during the Soviet Union era…and which the Chinese propose using to keep the 2008 Beijing Olympics dry. The technique relies on cloud seeding.

Silver Iodide powder or other moisture-absorbing substances acts as seeds simulating the natural salt, dust and other tiny particles in the atmosphere that help water droplets to form. Spraying clouds increases rainfall but less intensive spraying can dry out clouds…allegedly. Madonna’s concert was dry…and no doubt instructions have gone out to Climate Scientists to adjust their raw data in future to make allowance for military meddling with the atmosphere.

An advertisement in the Christmas Supplement to the Cinque Ports Letter…billed as William Franklin Occasional Paper Number Thirteen and published in December 1992…reads as follows: ‘In two years of begging, stealing and borrowing from Viz, The Economist, The Financial Times and Fourth World Review we have run up a thumping loss and will be pleased to share this with our contributors if they would like to get in touch.’ Surprisingly nobody did so.

The subject of the Christmas Supplement is the Yoof-Fool Wassail Cup Recipe from William of Salisbury…so he has been around awhile. It is billed it as a Christmas Entertainment for Children of All Ages…in three dramatic enactments: Getting Going; Getting Warmer and Getting Merry. The setting is the kitchen of a small suburban house. Enter a Male Specimen of Yoof stage right. A voice off…think Wizard of Oz…gives instructions.

‘Lay your hands on Ten Bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale…or your local under-the-stairs equivalent. Get Dad to donate a Bottle of Medium Dry Sherry…make sure it’s full. Well done! That was the important part. Next ask Mum to support your energy and initiative…that line always works. Girlfriends, sisters or grandmothers will also do. Appeal to their inherent sense of female superiority by pleading that culinary matters are too complicated for you.’

‘Before they assure you they have to see a man about a dog…they weren’t born yesterday…put them at their ease by mentioning the word Spices. Got that! As in Sugar and Spice and All Things Nice that little girls are made of. Tell them you need their advice. Now they’ll be eating out of your hand. So go for it. ‘Well you see I have this recipe…’ Here we go. Walkman off now please! Hello Man in the Moon! Sidewinder on Dream please!’ [That’s enough Ed]

The United Kingdom’s Defence Secretary…A.N. Other Brown called Des…has confidently predicted a large fall in the number of British troops stationed in Afghanistan and Iraq by 2007. ‘We see at least half the troops presently stationed in the Middle East being redeployed to local military hospital morgues before being flown home to rejoin their fellow servicemen in local cemeteries’, promised Des Browne before adding, ‘Some will of course be passed through our local field hospitals to avoid all the counting that goes on elsewhere in the region.’