I had an Out-of-Body Experience while astral-travelling yesterday so today I figured I’d better ground myself and got centred with the help of my angels and spirit guides. Then the phone rang and sensing numerous serious negative vibrations I threw the I-Ching and checked my Numerology Chart.

The results made me want to go primal but my energy was so blocked that I thought it best if I did some bioenergetics and self-parenting, snorted some flower essence and ate an organic oat bran ginseng muffin. But I sensed that my inner child still wasn't feeling fully nurtured.

So to fix this I had a Rice Dream Frozen Pie. The trouble was this made me hyper so I did the Relaxation Response Technique I had just learned at the Self Healing Angst Tree Refoliating Centre while listening to my subliminal tapes.

But that left me feeling depersonalised. So I did some polarity work, foot reflexology, and past-life regression, rebirthed myself and phoned Moon Beam my body worker to make an appointment for a Shiatsu/Reiki/Rolfing/Feldenkreis/Swedish/Japanese deep tissue facial massage.

Unfortunately Moon Beam was so flaked out she never returned my call so I decided to energize my crystals instead and do some positive imagery because all my visualization techniques were fuzzy and the affirmations were really very dispassionate.

So to get empowered I got a psychic reading from Mother Heart Love around the issue of my assertiveness so I could feel my radiance and have some energy for my Psycho Callisthenics and Inversion Swing before my Harmonic Brain Wave Synergy Session.

This focused me for my Actualisation Seminar, Holistic Healing Class and Dream Workshop…which in turn made me clearer for my Gestalt Behavioural Cognitive Transpersonal Reichian-Jungian-Freudian-Ericksonian session at the hot springs…although my aura was too weak for my Trance Channelling Group so I did nothing until noon to recharge my chakras.

Eventually sensing that my intuition was high and my cycle was smoothly spinning I turned on my ion generator to open up for my Neural Linguistic Programming session and recharged my pyramid before my Guided Synchronicity Meditation, got some Craniosacral Therapy to align myself for the Fire Walk I wanted to get in between my Tarot Card Reading and my appointment in the Sensory Deprivation Tank.

By late-afternoon I felt sure that what I truly needed was a meaningful relationship with myself and that I needed to mirror myself. So I went to my Personal Shaman, and then to my Guru. They were no help…on this plane anyway…so I went to the Intensive Whole Life Earth Rebirth Cosmic Expo Symposium Workshop to find someone who knew what was going on.

No one did. So I was about to lock myself in a calcium coated Orgone Box to meditate when I suddenly remembered that I hadn’t seen Vanessa for ages. So while I was still drifting and flailing about after all my sincere personal work I ran myself a bath, spent ten minutes on the phone, ate some chocolate cake, uncorked a couple of bottles of Bordeaux and put Pride & Prejudice on the DVD Player.

Vanessa was still on a high after flying in from Granada that afternoon. She had a hilarious story about Hearse Insurance in New Zealand. Tony Paine laughed so much he fell off the sofa and spent the night worrying whether he could still drive the 350cc motorbike his uncle had hired for him in Goa.

Apparently by registering your car as a non-commercial hearse you can reduce your insurance from NZ$ 180 to NZ$60. Just carry dead animals…eg. frozen chickens…home from the supermarket from time to time and it’ll be perfectly legal. But do it now before the authorities close the loophole by redefining a hearse as a vehicle used to convey coffins so that carrying groceries or dead animals don’t count anymore.

Next year I’ll try doing Ramadan instead…or take a stroll to Caen from Canterbury. And while I’m about it I might as well carry on to Jerusalem or Mecca…or Seville…or Assisi…or Mumbai.